The Extremely Ill-Advised Arrow Project: Episode 3.05 – “The Secret Origin of Felicity Smoak”
|December 9, 2014||Posted by Jess under Comics, Television, The Extremely Ill-Advised Arrow Project|
We open with a montage: Ollie and Roy stick fighting in the Arrowcave, Laurel and Ted boxing in the ring, Thea and Malcolm sword fighting. “How do normal people spend their morning?” Thea asks. GREAT.
Cut to Felicity in her apartment, puffing through some situps. She has a poster of the Errol Flynn Robin Hood on her wall, and it may be the greatest thing this show has ever done.
Anyway, Ray barges in as she’s brushing her teeth and starts babbling about science. She is understandably rather discombobulated by this and oh man, is this the pilot for Hacked Off? I knew it would be a great show!
Ray is charmingly explaining that he essentially wants to give QC’s extra energy away to the city when there’s another knock on the door. It’s a blonde woman in what is very clearly a negligee, who squeals with delight and hugs Felicity. “Mom?” Felicity gasps.
There’s some very cute business around Felicity’s mom (Donna) forgetting to actually send the text telling Felicity she was coming, and Felicity cringingly introduces Ray. Donna gleefully announces she bought one of his watches, even though “Felicity thinks I don’t pay attention to all her techy things.” Ray notices it’s outdated and gives her the prototype he’s wearing, which “basically replaces your computer.” Then he takes off, leaving the Smoak women stunned, for different reasons. WHAT A GOOD SCENE.
Flashback. Felicity, in an awful black wig that is at least SUPPOSED to look stupid and a lot of gothy makeup, is hacking it up with her boyfriend and his cranky roommate. They use Felicity’s “supervirus” to hack the Department of Education, and the boyfriend, Cooper, starts trying to delete all the student loans on record. Afraid this’ll get them caught and arrested, Felicity and the roommate unplug the computer. Cooper throws a fit about “hactivism” and does Felicity want to grow up to be “a hacker or a hero” and it’s real dumb.
Present day. Ollie lets himself into Thea’s new, huge apartment, with glowing fireplaces of hellfire at either end because she’s maybe evil now I guess. He asks how she’s affording it and she confesses that she’s inherited all of Malcolm’s money. He thinks it’s dangerous, she says Malcolm wouldn’t hurt his daughter. He points out Malcolm got “her brother” killed and Thea tells him not to play that card and that she’s a grownup and can make her own choices.
Suddenly all the power in the city goes out. Ollie scampers off because Crime, saves some woman who’s about to be hit by a car, and is walking past a TV store when all the TVs come on because this is how news is conveyed on TV.
It’s an image of an eye. A robovoice announces that he is Brother Eye, and that he’s carrying out a sentence against the city that is just beginning. The lights come back on.
Verdant. Felicity tells Donna to stay upstairs while she helps her friend “turn the power back on.” Why did she bring her, exactly? Ollie and Diggle come in; Donna is dazzled by Ollie (To Felicity: “How many millionaires do you know?” Hee!) and completely smitten with Baby Sara, asleep in a Baby Bjorn against Diggle’s chest. It’s a great scene because Felicity is clearly dying of embarrassment, but except for the part where Donna is in her underwear she’s being a completely normal, enthusiastic mom. It’s adorable.
Ollie quietly tells Diggle he’s “not comfortable” with Sara in the Arrowcave. Diggle: “Who’s she gonna tell?” AMAZING. Luckily, Donna loves babies.
Downstairs with Roy, Felicity gets her hack on.
Meanwhile, Laurel is the acting district attorney, since the DA is out of town. Quentin calls Felicity and asks if she’s on it, because “no one here knows computers better than you.” RIP Tech Cop.
Flashback. Felicity and Cooper (who is wearing an AMAZING Starro T-shirt) are making out when the FBI rolls up in a van and tackles him to the ground. Sure.
Present day. A cop tells Laurel there’s “a situation” at Starling National Bank, and she orders him to send in a riot squad.
Ollie, seeing this, decides this will just escalate the situation at the bank. He and Roy suit up and head to the riot, where they shoot tear gas to disperse the crowd. UM, SOMEONE AT ARROW CENTRAL PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERED THAT THIS WAS MAYBE WILDLY INSENSITIVE AND IRRESPONSIBLE IN LIGHT OF THE EVENTS IN FERGUSON? MAYBE???
Meanwhile, Felicity has come to an unpleasant realization: “The virus – I can’t stop it. Because it’s mine. I wrote it five years ago.” Dun dun dun!
When Ollie and Roy return to the Arrowcave, Felicity tearfully babbles something about cronuts, then explains about her hactivist past. Ollie asks why she never told him, and she asks if they know even a fraction of what happened to him the five years he was away. No, and neither do the writers. HEYO!
Ollie asks who else might know about this and she says her boyfriend’s roommate, Myron, might – but Cooper is “…not in the picture,” and not a suspect. She tells him she’ll get him Myron’s address.
Flashback. Felicity visits Cooper in prison. She wants to confess she wrote the virus but he won’t let her – after all, he’s the one who went after the loans.
Present day. Quentin’s like “What the hell is wrong with you Laurel you started a riot” and she’s like “Oops?” He asks what’s going on with her and she’s like SARA’S DEFINITELY NOT DEAD, BYE.
Verdant. Thea’s there. Ollie, out of costume, tells her he’s worried about her. They blather some absolute nonsense about family and love and he asks her again not to take Malcolm’s money. She refuses.
Myron’s office. He’s all fancy and corporate now. Ollie and Roy appear out of nowhere and inform him that he has failed this city, etc. Felicity tells them to tell Myron to do something complicated and hacky, and instead Ollie just bellows “SHUT DOWN THE VIRUS,” hee. Felicity, Ollie cannot keep up with you.
Myron says it’s not him, they should try Felicity Smoak. When Ollie says she’s innocent, Myron says maybe he showed it off to some people after college but he doesn’t remember who.
Arrowcave. Myron’s vague “I showed it to people” comment has turned up no leads. Ollie demands to know why Cooper’s not a suspect and Felicity says because he’s dead: he went to prison for the virus and hanged himself before sentencing. Ollie looks pretty shamefaced as Felicity excuses herself, crying. Felicity cries a lot on this show and I genuinely love her for it. She’s not the slightest bit afraid of her emotions, unlike literally everyone else on Arrow. Come over, Felicity, we’ll watch Beaches and cuddle.
QC. Ray finds Felicity semi-cried-out in her office. He asks if she’s okay, and she asks if he ever invented something that turned out to be more important than he thought. Okay, but he’s really smart – he knows she’s saying she has something to do with Brother Eye, right?
Anyway, Donna storms in – she’s been sitting around waiting for Felicity for two hours at home, and two at Verdant. Where is Sara? Ray slips out, and Donna says Felicity’s a workaholic. Felicity says it’s more than work, but all Donna cares about is “how much cleavage I don’t show.” Donna denies it, but hilariously glances down to check. Don’t look, Donna, Felicity’s wearing some kind of weird backless hoodie dress with a sparkly belt and it’s upsetting to me.
Felicity shouts that she’s SO SORRY she’s single and nerdy and doesn’t dress like a porn star and is generally a giant disappointment. Donna starts crying too as she says that she’s not as smart as Felicity or her father, and she sees nothing of herself in Felicity, only her dad – but he left them, and Donna stayed. She walks out.
Arrowcave. Felicity comes in and gets to work. Ollie suggests she take an hour off to repair her relationship with her mother. THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST OUT OF CHARACTER THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE ON THIS SHOW. I know they’re shoving this star-crossed lovers nonsense down our throats this season, but conversations like this are literally why Diggle exists.
Ollie echoes Thea’s nonsense from earlier as he says that you have to put up with your family no matter what because love or something. I haaate morals like this. Sometimes families are not worth putting up with; there are things that sharing genes can’t excuse. I don’t think Donna falls into this category, but overall it’s hot garbage. I mean, come on, Ollie, do you think this holds true for Malcolm and Thea?
Felicity returns home. Donna explains that “the nanny” came to pick Sara up – some company called A.R.G.U.S. that she’d never heard of. So where did Felicity think Sara was when Donna came to the office, did Diggle just hand his child off to a stranger in favor of sitting in the Arrowcave doing literally nothing for four hours, and did Donna just give this baby to the first person who showed up on Felicity’s doorstep? None of these people should be watching children. Bring Tommy back.
Felicity tries to make peace and Donna says she shouldn’t have just shown up, she just got so excited about that random email saying she’d won a free round trip flight to Starling City. Felicity realizes with horror that this was some kind of setup – and armed men burst in and grab them.
Cut to a warehouse somewhere. They’re tied to chairs, with three monitors running the virus on a table in front of them. And out steps…Cooper, of course.
He explains that the NSA recruited him for cyber espionage and helped him fake his death. He’s pissed because Felicity’s become “a corporate lapdog,” but he knows that since he attacked the banks, they’re getting a fresh influx of cash, and he wants her to hack the system and tell the armored trucks carrying it to deliver it to the warehouse. And if Felicity doesn’t do it? He’ll kill her mother.
Arrowcave. Ollie says Felicity’s been MIA over an hour. Diggle’s like “Uh, you told her to take an hour.” I like to imagine it’s been exactly 61 minutes. He calls her, and in the warehouse, Cooper smashes the phone. Sure, I bet the call abruptly cutting off won’t alarm Ollie at all.
As Felicity starts the hack, Cooper tells her the computers have been configured to only connect with the Treasury’s IP, so she can’t contact the police or anything. Donna tearfully tells Felicity that all she’s ever wanted is for Felicity to be happy.
Felicity finished redirecting the trucks. Cooper zip ties her to the desk and he and his men go out to deal with the trucks’ guards.
The watch Ray gave Donna starts beeping – some kind of regular alarm she doesn’t know how to turn off. Which reminds Felicity – the watch has wifi. She can reach the outside world.
She’s typing frantically when Cooper comes back in. He’s clearly about to kill Felicity and Donna tells him to back off. “I thought you were all nails and hair,” he says. “Try single mom who worked 60 hour weeks in 6 inch heels in order to raise that genius child you see right there,” she snaps. “I may not understand all this cyber whatever but I know that without that gun you wouldn’t last ten seconds against my girl.” Bless.
Suddenly, Ollie’s there! But Cooper’s planned for this – the warehouse is full of guns on motion sensors that “can hit most any target.” I feel like that threat wasn’t as cool as Cooper thought it would be before he said it.
Ollie takes out the guns, Diggle and Roy take out the armed men inside, and Cooper grabs Felicity and holds a gun to her head…and she grabs the gun, elbows him in the kidneys, and pistol whips him. FELICITY!!!
Throwing the gun away, she unties Donna and they cry and hug. Ollie lowers his bow to cover his boner.
Arrowcave. Felicity’s like “So, Cooper wasn’t dead” and Ollie says he has some experience with that and “you learn not to judge.” Judge…what??? People not being dead? STUPID ALIVIES. Felicity says something about “old lovers,” and then “Lovers. It sounds creepy no matter how you say it.” FELICITY <3 Ollie is like “Hey, remember how I’m in love with you but refuse to be with you because of Inadequate Reasons?” and Felicity’s like “Okay, bye now.” FELICITYYY <3 <3 <3 Flashback. Myron walks into Felicity’s dorm room to find her blond, ponytailed, and wearing a crisp skirt and sweater ensemble. “This is me now,” she says. Present day. Laurel tells Ted that he was right (SIGH) and she’s angry because her sister was murdered. He says now he knows how to teach her and offers her a choice of uniforms: red or black? She picks black, obvs. Thea’s apartment. Ollie shows up with popcorn, because that’s a...moving thing? They hug. She invites him to move in with her and he agrees. Malcolm watches them inscrutably from a rooftop. QC. Donna comes in to say goodbye. Felicity says she hasn’t appreciated Donna enough, but that Donna was wrong that there was none of her in Felicity; over the past two years, she’s learned that she’s a lot tougher than she thought, and that’s all Donna. Awww. This show is 80% SO GOOD at women and female relationships and 20%...well, you’ll see in two episodes. Ray comes in, and Felicity fake coughs and says she needs to call in sick. Ray air quotes “feel better” at her. It’s very cute but has Felicity ever actually done any work for Ray, or just had meltdowns in front of him? Roy’s apartment. He’s dreaming of Sara’s death...and he’s mirakuru’ed up and throwing arrows at her. He snaps awake. Dun dun dun!